The great turkey adventure, part two.

My folks were properly aghast when presented with the monster bird. After we ooh’ed and aah’ed over it for a bit, the refrigerator was reconfigured and the turkey was introduced to its new temporary home. We adjourned to the living room with beers in hand, where I outlined my doubts about the practicality of brining it. My dad, sensing a challenge, overruled my objections, and a couple of hours later, the turkey was resting comfortably wrapped in a giant plastic bag filled with water, salt, and sugars, and nestled into a Coleman cooler surrounded by ice. I bade farewell to the bird and my family, and headed back to civilization to worry some more.


Brine. I think we used 12 gallons or so.


Who knew giant prehistoric turkeys could swim?

On Wednesday, when I was off work, the preparations commenced. Rob and I went to Home Depot, turkey measurements on hand, in the hopes of finding a charcoal grill that could accommodate Tomzilla. Failing that, another plan was hatched. We would employ two Weber kettle grills, and Rob, bless his soul, would handle the pre-cooking decapitation. All seemed well. We spent the evening prepping foodstuffs, and replies to invites rolled in all day- around 20 people were expected at this point, so I was confident that the bird would be well enjoyed.

Thanksgiving morning, pouring rain, everyone’s late… And then, suddenly…. It all came together. The bird was halved, the grills were situated under umbrellas, the smoke started rising… And it was beautiful. Everything fell together, people came, they drank wine, they snacked, they laughed, and finally, they Ate.


Rob takes apart Tomzilla


And people say I have big, uh, never mind.


Solution. Beauty.


Yes. yes. YES.


So. Was it worth it? Could the experience of eating this bird possibly justify the driving, the cost, the stress, and the problem-solving needed to bring it to the table? Will the great turkey adventure bear repeating next year?

Two words: Hell. Yes. Besides all the reasoning I outlined in the initial turkey blog, that was easily by FAR the best turkey I have ever had in my life. The texture of the breast meat was unlike any I’ve had from my grocer’s freezer- somehow denser, and so incredibly moist. The flavor was amazing, and the meat literally melted on my tongue. People were swooning and crying, offering up their firstborn in exchange for a second serving, swearing to never eat again- it was like a poultry Apocalypse of deliciousness. Maybe I exaggerate here, but seriously, not by much.

If you’re curious, come by next year when we do it all again. I doubt you’ll be disappointed.